Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Nostalgia

I'm feeling a little bit nostalgic and wanted to get some things down in writing.  If the ramblings of an 8 1/2 months pregnant woman isn't your thing, feel free to skip reading this post :)

I realized I haven't blogged much about this second pregnancy.  I didn't make the "big" announcement on here (though I believe I was intending to do so) and I didn't announce the gender, or anything.  No "belly pictures" (take my word for it- I'm getting big) or anything like that.  I've concluded that, in some ways, I've been quite the slacker.  Now that I'm reaching the end (finally!) I wanted to get a few things down.

I'm not one of those people who love being pregnant, and who have glowing, fabulous things to say.  I try not to complain too much, since I know how blessed I am that I can conceive and carry a healthy baby to term.  I'm grateful that my body knows what to do to bring this precious infant into the world.  But months of feeling nauseous take their toll and make me happy for the end of pregnancy (you'll never hear me exclaim that I want to be pregnant forever!)  I'm at 34.5 weeks and still sick, every single morning.  Some are worse than others, and some days it's inevitable that I'll throw up (even though I focus all my energy on trying not to throw up).  By now, it usually lets up some by the afternoon, but some days it sticks around all day long.  Sometimes it goes away and then makes a reappearance when I'm supposed to be making dinner.  Add in the heartburn (wicked this time around!) and the fact that I still have a yeast infection in my mouth that coats my tongue in this gross, white film, making food taste different than it's supposed to... all in all, I'll be happy to be done.

Plus I miss my little Spencer.  I'm more grateful than I can articulate for my family, my mom in particular.  I think Spencer or I would have starved to death in the beginning (no, I'm not joking).  She's given up almost every (weekday) morning for the past 7 months, to come over and take care of Spencer (and me).  Cory's been wonderful about feeding him lunch, dinner, bathing him and putting him to bed.  Spencer and I would not have survived without all the help.

It's just that I miss him.  I know it sounds dumb, since it's not like I've gone anywhere... but my activities with Spencer have been severely limited.  He's been my constant little buddy for almost 3 years.  I grew him for 10 months... I birthed him... I nursed him (for 15 months!)  We snuggled, napped, made dinner together, read books together, took walks together, ran errands together.  All the fabulous summer plans I had for me and Spencer didn't happen.  Most days I was too sick to leave the couch.  I feel like I've been cheated out of precious time with him.  I should have had 10 months to enjoy him, to savor the time left of just me and him, and I feel like I didn't do enough savoring.

And now I'm looking at a few more weeks, and life is going to be very different.  No more being pregnant (yea!) but adjusting to having 2 kids.  No longer will it be just me and Spencer.  Don't get me wrong... I already love this second one, and I really am excited to meet him.  I know my love for Spencer isn't going to change.  It's just that a small part of me is grieving over lost time with my buddy.  I was never very good with change, and this is going to be a big change.  One day these feelings will be just a memory and I won't be able to imagine life without child #2.  I know I'll adjust.  I know I'll still be able to do stuff with Spencer.  And I know I'll be happy no longer being pregnant.  I'll have an adorable (and hilarious) toddler and a new little baby boy.  Life will be good.  As long as I keep focusing on the positive, I think we'll be ok :)

4 comments:

Brett and Emily said...

Sarah, you have been so strong through this whole pregnancy! That has got to be hard to not be able to do everything you want to with Spencer when you're constantly sick. You have such a good attitude. Spencer is adorable and he is going to be such a great big brother. I can't wait to see your two boys together. Hopefully Baby Boy take really good naps in the morning so you can have lots of one-on-one time with Spencer after a LONG 9 months. (I do hope he sleeps for you at night though. :) )
We can't wait for the big day and I bet you are ready to finally feel better! We're thinking about you.
Love you!

Irene said...

I understand exactly how you feel!Owen is turning 6 next week and I look back on those days when it was just he and I, I cry a little inside. I miss that little boy!! They grow and change so much in just a few short years, and not that I don't enjoy him now! We get to watch him play soccer and play catch and see him interact in school and learn SO much. It's great! But, again, from time to time I look back on pictures and watch home movies and long for just a few hours with that little man of mine!

Recksieks said...

You are so amazing! I know it's been a really hard pregnancy for you but every time I talk to you, you have something positive to say. Can't wait to meet your new little one! I know it's hard to here but hang in there just a little longer. Love you

Jenny said...

I'm so sorry that the nausea has been this bad! It's quite the change to go from one kids to two kids- I felt like the grinch with my heart growing three sizes-- I'll be sending positive birth thoughts your way. :)