Nostalgia

I'm feeling a little bit nostalgic and wanted to get some things down in writing.  If the ramblings of an 8 1/2 months pregnant woman isn't your thing, feel free to skip reading this post :)

I realized I haven't blogged much about this second pregnancy.  I didn't make the "big" announcement on here (though I believe I was intending to do so) and I didn't announce the gender, or anything.  No "belly pictures" (take my word for it- I'm getting big) or anything like that.  I've concluded that, in some ways, I've been quite the slacker.  Now that I'm reaching the end (finally!) I wanted to get a few things down.

I'm not one of those people who love being pregnant, and who have glowing, fabulous things to say.  I try not to complain too much, since I know how blessed I am that I can conceive and carry a healthy baby to term.  I'm grateful that my body knows what to do to bring this precious infant into the world.  But months of feeling nauseous take their toll and make me happy for the end of pregnancy (you'll never hear me exclaim that I want to be pregnant forever!)  I'm at 34.5 weeks and still sick, every single morning.  Some are worse than others, and some days it's inevitable that I'll throw up (even though I focus all my energy on trying not to throw up).  By now, it usually lets up some by the afternoon, but some days it sticks around all day long.  Sometimes it goes away and then makes a reappearance when I'm supposed to be making dinner.  Add in the heartburn (wicked this time around!) and the fact that I still have a yeast infection in my mouth that coats my tongue in this gross, white film, making food taste different than it's supposed to... all in all, I'll be happy to be done.

Plus I miss my little Spencer.  I'm more grateful than I can articulate for my family, my mom in particular.  I think Spencer or I would have starved to death in the beginning (no, I'm not joking).  She's given up almost every (weekday) morning for the past 7 months, to come over and take care of Spencer (and me).  Cory's been wonderful about feeding him lunch, dinner, bathing him and putting him to bed.  Spencer and I would not have survived without all the help.

It's just that I miss him.  I know it sounds dumb, since it's not like I've gone anywhere... but my activities with Spencer have been severely limited.  He's been my constant little buddy for almost 3 years.  I grew him for 10 months... I birthed him... I nursed him (for 15 months!)  We snuggled, napped, made dinner together, read books together, took walks together, ran errands together.  All the fabulous summer plans I had for me and Spencer didn't happen.  Most days I was too sick to leave the couch.  I feel like I've been cheated out of precious time with him.  I should have had 10 months to enjoy him, to savor the time left of just me and him, and I feel like I didn't do enough savoring.

And now I'm looking at a few more weeks, and life is going to be very different.  No more being pregnant (yea!) but adjusting to having 2 kids.  No longer will it be just me and Spencer.  Don't get me wrong... I already love this second one, and I really am excited to meet him.  I know my love for Spencer isn't going to change.  It's just that a small part of me is grieving over lost time with my buddy.  I was never very good with change, and this is going to be a big change.  One day these feelings will be just a memory and I won't be able to imagine life without child #2.  I know I'll adjust.  I know I'll still be able to do stuff with Spencer.  And I know I'll be happy no longer being pregnant.  I'll have an adorable (and hilarious) toddler and a new little baby boy.  Life will be good.  As long as I keep focusing on the positive, I think we'll be ok :)